Cigarettes

Yet again, another cigarette, another disappointment. As a non-smoker, I told people it really wasn't that hard to quit, just got to start doing it and slowly it becomes a reality. A bit like jumping off a cliff maybe, but as Miley Cyrus says, it's the "climb." At the end you forget the journey, but when you remember, the journey was really difficult, that's the beauty of it. So I'm looking out as a smoker once again, unbelieving that I'm here again, trying to focus, back into the mentality of the dream of once again, becoming a non-smoker.

It's so sad that it's a brain chemical addiction. The body craves it, but the processing in the brain craves it more. Believe it or not, minds are often muted when quitting, being so deprived. Bodies are drained, and ill. Emotions are dark and muddled. The brain speaks the language it knows. When hungry, one eats, when tired one sleeps, when craving.....one deprives. And if you fail, deprivation diets are the worst. If you succeed, bravo. But the brain, that's the funniest thing about it, it tells you with words, "have a cigarette," just like it tells you, "you are deprived of Vitamin C, drink some orange juice," etc. One feels a bit robotic just then, when one recognizes how it works. But understanding a disease is the first step to the cure. My one friend said that he just decided that he had to get used to feeling deprived, he would never get over it, just had to accept that was how one was gonna feel. Me too, in the past. It's like one recognizes that there will always be the next cigarette on the horizon, if you don't say no to this one, you'll just have a million more, and still want. I want to be in control of myself, as much as a person can be. Just got to be ready for the journey.

But alas, here I am, still fighting, still smoking, still believing in the dream.